Bouquet
Happy birthday *****,
I’ve learned a lot about you since my time in exile. It’s been 8 months since your betrayal, and I’m doing better than ever. I have so many things I want to say that I’ve been keeping locked away in fear that you’d use my words in one final attack against me. You seem to think I’d do the same to you. That’s why you changed the locks before I moved out, isn’t it? You wanted to maintain control over me when I’d already lost. You seem to think I have some vindictive attitude towards you (I do), that I was going to put some curse on you (I have), that I would steal something from the house that we once shared (I didn’t). The truth is, I would never inflict upon you the evil you have inflicted upon me. That’s the difference between you and me- I tell the truth. You deliberately lied to me every step of the way, mishandled every move on purpose, so that you could feel like the good guy. I would’ve hated you a lot less had you just been honest with me from the beginning. If I truly were the person you painted me out to be, know that every action I would’ve taken would be justified. You kicked me out of our home? Changed the locks while that was still my legal address? I should’ve called the cops, I should’ve hired a lawyer. All my friends told me to do it. You know why I didn’t? I didn’t do any of that because I loved you, because I was worried about you, worried about your mental state. This was such a drastic shift in personality that my friend said that you should be committed, and another said you should get checked for a brain tumor.
I think you’re the most devilishly selfish person I’ve ever met. You pretend like you’re not, but I know you are. It’s really evil how you keep that part of yourself hidden. This whole ordeal was about you, your feelings, your wants. I bent over backwards to meet your demands and made concessions I never should have. It was never enough for you. Tell me the truth; all those times you told me that my moving out was a temporary thing, you were lying, weren’t you? You knew you were stringing me along. You knew what you were doing was wrong, but you didn’t do anything to stop it. There was nothing I could’ve done to make things better, no matter how desperately I tried.
I look back now with new eyes and see how your selfishness plagued our whole relationship. For example, when you abandoned me at our wedding party, and I was left being taught ballroom dance for an hour and a half by the person you would eventually cheat on me with. When I finally came downstairs, and I was so anxious that I had to go sit on the curb, you were annoyed with me. Or when Lover came on at our wedding and I desperately looked around for you to dance with you, only to see that you weren’t looking for me. When my stupid friendship bracelet was on display in the Toronto aquarium, you never saw it. You had a work meeting you just “couldn’t miss” and stayed in the car. My mom didn’t get to see it either because of you; she didn’t want to leave you alone. I could go on.
Was that all I was to you? An annoyance? It’s crazy to think about, considering you were the one who taught me not to shrink myself to appease others. In the last months, my final straw should’ve been you shushing me in the hotel after the Mayhem Ball. That’s another thing you were selfish about. We bought those tickets together… and suddenly you don’t want to go? You sleep the whole time we’re getting ready and then sit through the whole show? Did you actually not want to go? Or did you just not want to go with me?
It was shocking to me how quickly you erased any evidence of me having lived in our home, and when you were still acting like I’d be able to win my way back in. Was I just clutter to you? Noise? I don’t really know if you ever truly loved me, and that hurts me to admit. I followed every demand you asked of me to the best of my ability, but when I asked you to spend more time with me, I remember exactly what you said. You were cold, emotionless: “I can’t spend more time with you and still meet my social needs”. Do you understand how crazy that sounds? You said that to your SPOUSE! I don’t think you recognize how fucked up everything you did was.
You wanted to open up our relationship when you couldn’t even be bothered to kiss me goodnight. You would tell me “you’re the one with the ring”, but you proved to me that you couldn’t keep me your number one priority. I wasn’t even near the top ten of your priorities. When I admitted in counseling that I was willing to try opening our relationship up under boundaries that were comfortable for me, it wasn’t enough for you. “I don’t want to add another person to our relationship” because you wanted to fuck anyone that wasn’t me. I was vulnerable, agreed to an idea that YOU had been pushing for for some time, and you made cruel jokes at my expense: “You wanna fuck? Right now? With **? Didn’t think so”. I expressed how shitty that made me feel, and you just said “I didn’t think I came across that mean”… which just tells me you intended to be cruel.
In the end, you spent more time with your coworker, whom none of our friends liked. Staked your whole reputation and all of your relationships on a balding furry. When I told you it made me uncomfortable how much time you were spending with him, how he felt so entitled to being in our home, all you could do was say that my setting that boundary made you “lose a lot of love for [me]”. You can’t make this shit up! It’s really baffling to see it all written down, isn’t it? Most normal spouses would say “understood!” and maybe stop hanging out with that coworker as much. All I asked was for you to at least stop carpooling to work… but no, I wouldn't wanna inhibit your social needs. Then you started lying to me, though! Saying you were out doing “errands and groceries” after you turned your location off, only to find out you were hanging out with him and his partner all day! I’m glad I took a stand then and stayed at my dad’s house that night. I hope that stung just a bit, because there was nothing I could’ve done to make you hurt as much as I did.
Regardless of whether anything physical happened, you were cheating on me. I said that to you, and you never denied it, so I know you at least recognize that it’s true. I do suspect something physical was going on; I found the lube and bondage rope in the side-table drawer next to the side of the bed that used to be mine. It was a brand of lube we didn’t use, so I know you must’ve been using it with someone else. You haven’t given me a reason to believe otherwise.
You ghosted me, your spouse. That’s diabolical. I’m sure you’ve made me out to be a terrible, horrible, evil monster to your friends and family. I know I’m guilty too, but you are the one who is most to blame for this burning down the way it did. It happened this way because you are a coward. If you had just admitted from the start that you didn’t love me anymore, I wouldn’t be here writing this. I wouldn’t have so much gasoline to ignite the blaze that cleanses the ruins of our marriage.
You still haven’t told me what I did so wrong. Oh, I didn’t do enough chores? I asked my spouse to actually want to spend quality time with me? On our final phone call, when I asked you that, you gaslit me. Do you remember? “I’m not having this conversation again with you, Noah.” When I asked you to jog my memory, and expressed what I thought this had all been about: “if that’s all you’ve gotten out of our conversations, that’s not my fault”. I take solace in the fact that I did everything I could, and that you are just a terrible communicator. You didn’t even tell me that you kicked me off the phone plan, or that our divorce was finalized! No, you expected other people to do that for you; just like you expected me to take care of the entire house while you were out at the club every night, or taking three hour “walks” with your coworker every afternoon. “I tried to make this as easy as possible for you”, no, this was always about what was easiest for you.
What hurts the most is that you didn’t even try. I set up couples counseling sessions, and I made sure you felt heard and validated. What did you do to try to fix this? If I hadn’t set up counseling, you wouldn’t even have a therapist right now - because you both decided that she should be your individual therapist instead of continuing to help us try to fix things. I would’ve pulled out all of my teeth one by one if it meant keeping us together. We were married, we said forever- one of us was lying. I don’t feel the need to beg for you anymore, and I’ll never beg for anyone’s love ever again.
In those first weeks in exile, I had so many nightmares that you didn’t want me around and that you hated me. I told you about them on the phone after days of no contact. You could’ve told me it wasn’t true, but all you said was “Have you told your therapist about that?” I should’ve known then that I meant nothing to you, that my worst fears had become a reality.
May this artwork serve as one of many curses I’ve sent your way. You’re never going to jerk your sub-average dick again without thinking of me. My scent will haunt your home the same way your grandmother’s does- twin spouses cheated on by the *****’s. You’ll stay lonely forever, unable to fill the void left by me. You’ll forever be reminded of the fucked up things you did to me. Your life will stay miserable, unfulfilling, and cold. You’ll forever chase a goal that will always be out of reach. Your teeth will fall out without my insurance to fix them. Your hair will fall out, an external reflection of your guilt. You’re going to turn 30, 40, 50… getting older and older only to stay alone. Nobody can ever meet your lofty expectations of what a relationship or friendship should be, so none of this should be a problem for you… right?
Let my final act of love be this advice: your insistence on always being in the right will be your downfall. You come across as a pretentious, virtue-signaling know-it-all. I urge you to actually develop the sense of empathy you claim to have so much of. The way you infantilized me and made me doubt my abilities as an adult in those final months is unforgivable (i.e., “you can take care of the house, pay the bills, do the yard work all by yourself… [etc.]? Really, Noah?”). Not only that, but you were wrong. I have succeeded, I’ve built an amazing support system and a beautiful home - all without you. During the darkest, most depressing thing to ever happen to me, I exercised the bravery necessary to put myself together after you took everything from me. With eyes puffy from crying, legs sore from moving, and throat sore from pleading for you to hear me, I quickly built a healthier lifestyle than I ever had with you. You’re not as smart as you think you are.
One day, I’ll look back on us with a scarred heart, years from now, when I’ve healed from the wounds you inflicted. Maybe I’ll look back at this venomous letter and regret it. Right now, I’m furious. I’ve never felt such hatred toward someone. When I said forever, I meant it. I was happy, we could’ve been happy together. Thank you, because now I am happier with you miles away. I want you to sit with the hurt that you’ve dealt me. You will experience all the pain I’ve felt tenfold- live with the regret of what you’ve done. I hope you’re happy, now that you’ve chosen this.
-Noah Ost