Remember Weight Watchers? 

The idea was this: as a weight loss method, each kind of food had a certain number of “points” ascribed to it and you could only eat a certain number of points in a day. They sold snacks in their stores, often with a low number of points, that were meant to be “healthier” versions of typical temptations. Think chocolate chip cookies or brownies. The holy grail of these snacks were the zero-point snacks. How incredible! You can eat as many sweets as you want! It was and still is a dangerously harmful program; a remnant of the horribly fatphobic culture that dominated the 90’s and 00’s. 

When my depression and burnout hit me back in 2023, the first thing to take a dive was my body-image. I’d struggled with body dysmorphia and internalized fatphobia for a while, but this time was especially troubling. If I didn’t eat, I felt horrible because I knew it was wrong.  If I did eat, even if it was something healthy, I felt worse because I wasn’t going to lose weight. Zero is a visual representation of that “damned if I do, damned if I don't" feeling. My relationship with food felt inescapable, something to be reminded of every time I looked in the mirror and at every doctor’s appointment. 

I made this painting a long time ago now, I cannot express enough how much of a better place I am in. Unlearning the shame I was taught as a kid- shame imparted upon me by programs like Weight Watchers- has been an incredibly difficult battle. I’m clawing my way to the other side, but the damage I’ve incurred along the way will last.