Cicada is the first of three self-portraits in Abomination, each one being about feeling monstrous in some way, shape, or form. 

Cicada is about not feeling beautiful, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am. I felt like I was surrounded by gorgeous butterflies and moths, while I stayed a hideous cicada. I know I focus too much on how other people see me, but every time I take a picture I roam over every pixel until I convince myself I look terrible. I’m working on my confidence in therapy, learning how to trust people, even my own spouse, when they tell me I look beautiful. Although it’s the second painting I completed of the three self-portraits, I feel like it makes more sense as a follow up to Zero. 

This painting was among the last few I completed for this series. At this point in the creation process I had been visiting a psychiatrist and lessening how frequently I was speaking with my therapist. The emotions that filled these paintings when I had sketched and planned them out felt more and more foreign. There came a point (as it always does) where I didn’t know if I was going to finish the story; I wasn’t in that headspace anymore. I’m glad I did finish, though, it’s been really cathartic.